The plural is "Vaginae"

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I don’t want to hear about vaginas ever again.

There has been a lot of talk recently about what should and shouldn’t go in them and when. Arguing about whether they are to be used solely for reproductive purposes or not and if they are used for any purpose other than procreation, whose money should to protect it from being impregnated. Most of this talking has been done by people similar to myself. Similar by way of being born without a vagina, being white and over the age of 40.

If anyone knows about vaginas, it's us!

Old white guys, I want you to know that I get it. Vaginas are mysterious things. Man stuff is all right there, just hanging out. Vaginas are all tucked in and secretive, like they’re hiding something. Man instinct is to go in a conquer it, make it open up and yield to us. We’ve done that for a long time, it’s habit. The thing is, vaginas are attached to people. These people have minds and souls and lives. They went to school and received the best education their economic status allowed. Some of them even hold positions of power and importance. These people are not just the life support system for vaginas. These people have goals and ambitions that do not involve their vaginas in any way, shape or form.

One of the ways that the White Old Men (hereto referred to as WOMs) have attempted vaginal invasion is by “transvaginal ultrasound”. The idea was that a woman who has found herself unexpectedly expecting and wished to terminate her pregnancy would have one of these “transvaginal ultrasounds”. The WOMs believed that when she saw the little black and white blob on a monitor looking up at her with its big baleful underdeveloped eyes pleading “please, please don’t hurt me mama!” she would have a sudden change of heart. The vagina bearer would run teary eyed from the family planning clinic crying, “I’m keeping my baby!!!” The only problem is, most women are fully aware that the growth of cells has a heartbeat and will grow into a baby (61% of abortions are for women who have already had a child). The idea that a woman casually decides to have an abortion is ridiculous. She’s not a WOM, she doesn’t have that “my way or the highway” mentality. Unlike a WOM, she’s going to think before taking action and weigh all her options. After enough kerfuffle, the Virginia law makers decided that a “transvaginal ultrasound” was a little impersonal and opted for an abdominal ultrasound instead. Cute. That’s almost respectful. That just says to me “We WOMs respect your vagina just a little more than we respect your ability to make a decision.”

At 8 weeks, the fetus can already get a twitter account

Something else the WOMs fail to realize is that just over 40% of women who receive an abortion are below poverty level. They can’t afford to take care of a child and they are taking responsibility by making the tough, logical conclusion. Speaking of responsibility, 54% of women who receive an abortion were using birth control the month they got pregnant. Only 26% had unprotected sex (others thought they couldn’t get pregnant or were forced to have sex). This tells me two things: women who don’t want to have a child are taking actions to not get pregnant and those who do get pregnant weren’t educated properly about birth control or didn’t have access to it.

I've been looking at vaginae all day! I still don't get it!

White guys, you have to understand something, I’m one of you. I really am. I don’t consider myself a feminist in any way shape or form. But what you are doing is really dumb. You WOMs are huge about personal freedom and choices when it comes to religion, the free market, where to send kids to school and all that. So many of you are opposed to nationalized health care because it limits peoples choices (I’m still not sure how you made that conclusion). How can you be so pro-choice in every other area except where your mother’s wife’s and daughter’s health is concerned?

In any case. I’m done with all this vagina talk. Those things confuse me. Apparently they confuse a lot of white old men.

Shame on me

So, for those of you in the know, I quit my job on Tuesday. It's been a long time coming.

The afternoon before I quit, I was hit with a brutal mixture of dread and enlightenment. I knew I was not meant to assist people with their eBay purchases for the rest of my life, I had something more to offer. I had something more to do.

Music Inspector at work.

Talking to the music inspector than day about my emotional state, I told him it wasn't because I haven't received a raise in 4 years, it wasn't because they were taking away our cell phones, MP3 players and drinking at our desks. It wasn't the lack of respect for things I had done, constantly giving and giving and receiving nothing but a paycheck in return. It was all of it combined.

As an employer, you don't have to do anything for your employees except pay them, just as your employees don't have to do anymore than the bare minimum to get the job done. Employees don't simply just work in your building, they also live there for 8 hours at a stretch. Take away a few creature comforts and there will be a difference, if not in productivity, then in retention.

Below is a letter to the owner. I'm probably not going to send it to him, but if by some random chance he stumbles upon this blog, I'll make sure it's something I won't regret him reading. In any case, he'll probably never see it.

Dear Seth,

You surprised me, you really did. When I mentioned that I hadn't had a raise since I started, you seemed stunned! Your facial expression, your tone of voice, your body language all told me this was a suprise. I believed that you might actually do something about this.

Shame on me for believing.

See, I've been believing for a few years now that things were different than they appeared. The idea that because you are a small business, that there would be some more of a human element to how things were run.

Shame on me.

In April of 2011, my daughter was hospitalized for dehydration. She had a stomach bug and couldn't keep anything down so I stayed home with her for two days, before the doctor told us she would need to be hospitalized. I stayed by her bedside for two more days. I returned to work with a doctors notes and recommendations left and right. months later, when my review came around I was told I took too many days off for illness, that I should be able to find a sitter for my sick child at the last minute in order to not miss work. I was told that everyone else finds a way to make it happen, even though only one other person on the payroll had a child in elementary school. This was my problem, I needed to find a solution. So my wife she would take all the sick days from then on. She's a elementary school teacher and her days off are far more valuable than mine, not just in dollars, but the education of her students and the time it takes to develop emergency lesson plans. She made that sacrifice for me, she's awesome like that. I thought the problem was solved.

Shame on me.

When all the new rules were coming down, I asked Michael (co-president) what was going to be done to help employee morale. I was told school teachers aren't allowed cell phones in their class rooms and how they have metal detectors in the Smithsonian for employees. These security measures are nothing new, they are implemented all over the place. When I countered that teachers make more than $12/hr and Smithsonian employees have a decent benefit package, I was told that I don't have to work there. When you take something away, it's polite to compensate in some way, shape or form. A businessman should understand that.

What gets me though, what really gets me? I don't think you want this. Seth, I've heard so much about what this company used to be and what kind of environment you wanted for your employees. How you want them to enjoy coming to work. Where is that vision now? You have taken the humanity out of the work environment. Don't think so? Try this: You and your wife follow ALL of the new rules: No food at your desk, no beverages, no cell phones, no MP3 players. Eat in the break room. 15 days off a year, including sick days. Working from home is not an option.

If you cannot do this, the very thing you ask of your employees, then you cannot ask it of them. It's that simple.

Good luck, Seth. Honestly. I think you'll find Best Buy a much harsher mistress than you bargained for. I hope you can make it work.

The internet is for cats

I'm bored...

So I'm going to post cat pictures, because isn't that what the internet is supposed to be for?

This is Pheelie (short for Ophelia). She is perpetually cold and seeks warmth and safety at all times. During the Superbowl it was in my lap, which made getting seconds on chili difficult. I'd like to think she was looking out for my Weight Watchers progress. She'd like to think of it as doing whatever she can possibly do the keep warm. My wife has threatened to purchase a coat for her on several occasions. She once brought one home and put it on her, to which Pheelie hunkered down as low to the flow as she could, weighted down with embarrassment and humiliation, refusing to move. While lack of movement is pretty standard for her, my wife decided that the humiliation may soon turn into resentment and returned the coat.


Her favorite spot is next to the boy when he sleeps. Not because of some sort of bond, but because he moves enough in his sleep to annoy Scout (the younger, springier household feline) so Scout leave him alone. Pheelie has figured out that the spot right next to his head is the safest place because the boy doesn't headbang in his sleep. Yet

This leaves Scout. Scout is under a year old and like any small child, spends his days annoying to old folks. The funny thing is that when we were at Richmond Animal League picking him out of the multitude of kittens, he was the most docile fuzzy ball of the bunch. I have determined that this was a clever ruse in order to lull us into a false sense of security. 


I am debating about officially adding an exclamation point to his name because i don't think it's been uttered without one for 5 months. Don't get me wrong, he's sweet and affectionate. He just doesn't seem to understand that sleeping on the laptop is bad. Why shouldn't he nibble on the house plants in the garden window, isn't that just a little salad bar in an atrium? Rubber bands are tasty and incredible fun to have pulled out of your rectum, so why not eat a bunch of them.


Willow LOVES Scout. The chase him around, pick him up, yell in his ear, fling him around kind of love. The standard girl/pet love. I weird part, I swear Scout likes it. If I didn't know better I'd say he was a masochist.


Those are the furry brats. Maybe, if interest is there, I'll talk about the non-furry ones.

Ramblings

Since I wrote a little sumpthin' sumpthin' earlier this week, I feel no need to be filled with guit for not writing something thoughtful for this Friday's entry. However, in order to get into the habit of putting something up, I'm just going to do some free-floating rambling. It should be monumentally horrid, so feel free to lambaste me.

1. I need coffee


Not right this second, but in general. I am being presented with a situation at work at which I may not be allowed to have coffee (or any other beverage or food) at my desk. While I understand that this is to protect the items my company handles, the thought of my being forced to consume one cup of coffee in 15 minutes for a two hour period is absurd. Coffee is a sacrament. It is meant to be savored. If it were meant to be gulped it would be served at room temperature. No coffee is a deal breaker.


2. Women don't f*ck around


This guy once said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Nancy Brinkner decided to test this theory by pulling Komen Race for th* c*re (I can't actually use their slogan without being sued) out of Planned Parenthood. Many people (a majority of which were women) rightly raised a ruckus. Brinker gave a luke-warm apology after 3 days and said Komen's pink posterior would resume taking a seat in the lap of Planned Parenthood. Ahhh, the power on an anrgy estrogen fueled mob. As a man, I'd like to give Nancy a piece of advice. A woman NEVER forgets when you've insulted or wronged her, EVER. You will always be know as "that right wing bitch who put politics above women's health." Your best bet is to resign and take your money laundering raising skills to the Republicans.


3. Love and Tolerate the Sh!t outta you!

I got a bro-hoof from a barista earlier this week. I also had to explain to a co-worker what the big deal about "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" is. Simply put, Lauren Faust did a great job with the Power Puff Girls and has a creative team animating the Ponies. What started as a hipster-ish fascination with nostalgia has turn into a code of ethics for some. That code: Love & Tolerate. Proof is to the right.


What I love about this is that it is what every religion is at its core. Animated. With ponies. Everyone gets a pony.


I'm outta time. enjoy!

Cats and baths

She's not doing it right. She's supposed to use her tongue.

Good fences, bad intentions

I'm going to apologize in advance. I don't normally post something without heavily editing it, but I wanted to get this out ASAP. I listened to "This American Life" this week and encourage you to do the same. This show sometimes depressed me, sometimes amuses me and always moves me. This week, it got me pissed. Please, if you don't read my little poorly thrown together parable, listen to "Reap what you sow"

A man moved into a new house late September. As a welcoming gift, his neighbor brought his a tray of glorious vegetable from his garden. The man was so impressed with the beautiful tomatoes and peppers, the firm leafy salad greens and hearty carrot that he asked to see the man’s garden. Strolling into his neighbors yard he saw rows and rows of vegetables dripping off of their plants waiting to be harvested.

“This is beautiful!” He told his new neighbor!
“Nothing compared to what was in your yard when the last owner was there. You have a prime piece of land for a vegetable garden. Lots of sun, good drainage. His garden was always better than mine.” It was then the man decided, in the spring he would plant a garden of his own.

He enjoyed tilling his garden in the early spring sunshine and after a long weekend he had his beds laid out and seedlings awaiting in neat little rows. Every night he would set the sprinkler for an hour and every morning he would look for any stray weeds before heading off to work. One morning however he noticed that a few of his seedlings had been chewed on and a few plants were gone altogether! That evening he asked his neighbor for advice.

“Oh, that’s probably just a few rabbits.” he answered casually. “They may nab a few from time to time, but there aren’t a whole lot of them.” Put up a small fence, that’ll keep most of them out. So he put up a little fence around the outskirts of his garden that weekend and the nibbling stopped for about two weeks.

But again, one morning while walking up and down the rows of flowering tomatoes and eager corn shoots he saw a few nibbled leaves. When he asked his neighbor he chuckled and said, “I was never able to get rid of them all. I just let them have a few plants and be done with it. There is plenty to share.” The man however, was not going to allow his beautiful garden to be ruined by a few rabbits. He replaced the little fence with a taller one and made sure that the links were too small for a rabbit to squeeze through. Once again the rabbits were deterred for a week or two but eventually found their way into his garden, nibbling at his sunflowers.

Enraged he installed an electric fence around his property. He sprayed his crops with re-hydrated dried blood and laid mothballs around the perimeter to keep them away. One night, while setting the sprinkler out he heard a strange noise near his fence. He quickly turned off the power to the fence and ran over to where the noise was. He saw the bodies of three dead rabbits on the outside of his fence. He had won! The electric fence did the trick! He let out a little laugh but quickly stopped when he heard another strange noise, a low steady growl. He looked up and saw a flash of yellow eyes. A wolf from the nearby forest had been hunting the rabbits when they ran into the fence. In a flash of teeth, the wolf leaped over the fence and attacked the man.

Two days and a few stitches later, the man was back home. His arm in a sling and half of his face bandaged. There would be a few scars, but he would live. The painkillers kept him in bed most of the time and his garden started to go to seed. In early September was was able to harvest a few stray tomatoes, but they were bitter from the dried blood and tasted faintly of mothballs. His neighbor came over one day to check on his and brought with him a paper grocery bag filled with eggplants, tomatoes, bell peppers and cucumbers.

The man was shocked! “How did you grow all this? Didn’t the rabbits get into your garden?”

“Of course they did! Every year a few rabbits find their way into may garden and get a few plants, but it doesn’t take the wolves long to figure out where they go for food. I only lose a few plants and i have plenty. The rabbits aren’t a problem.”

In the process of making life difficult for the rabbits, the man inadvertently made life much more difficult for himself. Sometimes the problems we perceive aren’t the real problem and the solutions to those imaginary issues can lead to dire consequences.

Alabama has instituted immigration laws that are supposed to encourage immigrants to “self-deport”. It does this by making every single government worker an impromptu immigration officer, requesting to see a persons papers. It also makes it illegal to assist an illegal immigrant, putting charities such as soup kitchens at risk for just serving someone a meal. Citizen are encouraged to report suspected illegals to the laws causing an “us vs. them” mentality between those with white skin and those with less than white skin. Alabama is quietly legislating racism.

Are the rabbits the real problem? Are they taking that much from the garden or only a few of the plants on the parameter? Is it worth sacrificing why you planted the garden in the first place?

Go Out There and Win One For Yourself

I’m a  Steelers fan. So watching the AFC play-off game last weekend was really, really weird. It was a competition of whom do I hate less.

The New England Patriots defeated the Steelers at home in AFC Championship game in 2001 & 2004. Both times the Pats went on to win the Superbowl. In my mind those should have been the Steeler’s Lombardi Trophies. My hatred for Tom Brady and teammates was compounded exponentially by an obnoxious Pats fan at work, who gleefully rubbed my nose in the Steeler’s losses at every opportunity. Due to this wonderful Pats fan, the mild dislike I had for the Patriots in 2001, blossomed into full blown loathing by 2004.

The only team I hate more than the Patriots is the Ravens. The Ravens are to the Steelers what Magneto is to Professor X, they are two sides of the same coin, the ying and the yang, the good twin and the evil twin. Both are known for strong defences and a conservative ground game. Both play competitive, smashmouth, old school football. Since they are in the same division they meet twice a year and ever since the NFL redrew the divisions in 2002 either the Ravens or Steelers have won it, with only two exceptions (Go Bengals in 2005 and 2009!).

The biggest difference between the two teams is “class”. The Rooney family loves Pittsburgh and would never dream of leaving. Art Model pulled the beloved Browns out of Cleveland and took them to Baltimore. The city of Cleveland was so upset, they demanded the team name and records stay with the city, making the Ravens an “expansion team” with the Browns old roster. The Steelers will cut players who demand too much money or have consistent legal issues (i.e. Kendrell Bell, Santonio Holmes, Plaxico Burress.) where the Ravens occasionally pick up overpaid big names that are a year away from retirement (Shannon Sharpe, Dion Sanders). Baltimore has always been “dirty” in my eyes. From Modell’s actions in 1995 to suspect playing style of Ray Lewis and Tony Siragusa. They were even accused of stealing the shield logo they originally used in their first few years as the Ravens.The epitome of underhanded Raven behavior being Lewis’ murder indictment in 2000.* I hate the Ravens with a passion that I can feel physically. It’s not pretty.

So now I have to watch this Championship game between two teams that I can’t stand, who do I root for? A friend of mine told me that he doesn’t vote for a candidate, but against the lesser of two evils. Guess that settles it, go Patriots!

The NFC Championship game was different, 49ers all the way. They went from 6-10 to 13-3 and the #2 playoff seed and were the feel good, comeback story of the year! After years of finishing below .500, the 49ers were back to their former glory! The phoenix from the flames! The comeback kid! Proof that hard work and pluck can triumph! Cue the theme from Rocky and let’s kick some ass!!!

A lot of people don’t understand the allure of football. It’s the simple fact that on “any given Sunday” anyone can win, even the Cleveland Browns. The little guy has a chance! We all love to see the underdog triumph in the face of overwhelming odds and no one is more aware of this than the NFL’s marketing strategists. Think of some of the story lines touted over the past few years: The grocery bagger and Arena League Football player who went on to win the Super Bowl (Kurt Warner). The fourth round draft pick who stepped in for the injured veteran and takes his team to the Big Game (Tom Brady). The boy who followed in his fathers footsteps as an NFL quarterback and after years of falling short, finally gets a Super Bowl ring (Peyton Manning). The lovable bear of a running back near retirement, finally wins the Super Bowl (hosted in his home town of all places!) The cameras swirling around him, the music swelling as he tearfully announces his retirement, cradling the glistening Lombardi in his shaky hands (Jerome Bettis). We love to see the underdog prevail (even though these guys are some of the most highly paid professionals in the nation) We identify with their struggle to win in the face of overwhelming odds, reminding us of our own daily trials. If they can win against the odds, so can we!

And it’s real! That’s the best (and worst) part! David sometimes gets crushed by Goliath! We watch our team face the giant and rub our lucky jersey in prayer, hoping that this time that little pebble finds the behemoths temple and slays the giant. If David is crushed, he returns battered and bruised for another shot. His tenacity is our fuel and we cheer louder than ever “DAY-vid! DAY-vid! DAY-vid!”

80% of the time, people pick the underdog if they have no other association with the two competitors. It’s human nature to want the little guy to win. If they can succeed in the face of overwhelming odds, so can we. Our belief in them is hope for ourselves. If the Cleveland Browns can sweep the Baltimore Ravens (2007), then you can get that raise from your boss. Miracles CAN happen!

So here is my locker room speech: Go out there and get ‘em! You put on your lucky jersey once a week for your team, you deserve the same! Pick out a lucky scarf or tie for yourself! Hang a picture up of your greatest moment in the spot where you would normally hang a picture of your favorite football player (or next to him). Put some of that white hot energy into rooting for yourself. Deep down you know if wave your terrible towel hard enough, the Steelers will convert that 3rd and long. Positive thinking can work wonders through a television screen. What can it do when its directed at you?

*With Ben Roethlisberger’s two separate rape cases, the play style of James Harrison and to some extent Hines Ward, the Steelers are far from angelic. I do feel however that this behavior is discouraged by the front office in Pittsburgh more so than in Baltimore. I still wish they would either cut Roethlisberger or make him do some very visible community service. Personally, I think if he were to talk to college athletes about date rape and how THEY can prevent it, that would be a start.